Stumbling...

"Now I understand why people get themselves drunk. It's not because they just want to get wasted but because they want to escape each killing moment they spend every fucking night thinking about what's happening with their damn life. Of course they don't forget their problems but at least they don't spend the night crying themselves to sleep." 

Dreamin'

SOOOO I had a weird dream last night that I kept forgetting all this stuff, like important stuff, and then I would find it and then this dog was trying to bite me... and it was so weird. SO I looked it up, check it out...

Forgetting: To dream that you are forgetting things, signify life's anxieties. You are expressing an overwhelming amount of stress in your life. You feel the need to tend to everything and everyone's needs. Alternatively, forgetting something may represent your unconscious desire to leave that something behind. On a more direct level, the dream could just be your subconscious telling you or reminding you of a forgotten appointment or date.

Dog To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream, indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it indicates some inner conflict within yourself. It may also indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness. If the dog is dead or dying, then it means a loss of a good friend or a deterioration of your instincts.

felt like I needed to share it with someone<3

Sad

Today, I'm sad. It has been a while since I've had anything new to write. December has totally kicked me in my ass ALREADY and the whole month of November got the best of me. Trying to get through each day, trying to NOT feel sorry for myself, and TRYING not to get lost. It was definitely a reality check & I started to realize that, "I'm no okay." Every day I tell myself how lucky I am, but these two months haven't felt right. I hurt, it's the most I've ever felt & the hurt just sticks with me day in & day out. I hope it has to do with the holiday season and these feelings will soon fade. I've had my fair share of breakdowns & it's hard for me to hold back the tears. I try to be strong for the people around me and I honestly don't think they have a clue how bad I hurt and how hard it is for me. I'm good at pretending & I'm great at faking a smile. But some days I wish someone would just tell me, "It will be okay." I know I'm strong enough & independent enough to take on the world no matter how bad I hurt, but I just wish I had someone on my team. I just need someone right now. Some days I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm really doing what I love. School has been hell & I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time. My mind just isn't there every day and it's never been so hard for me to concentrate. Sitting in class my mind tends to wander to other things... mostly things about Matt, about the accident, about that moment... where I was standing on that beach alone listening to the words come out of the sheriffs mouth. That moment haunts me, I see it crystal clear every single day. I know life doesn't stop when something like this happens and I have to do my best to keep on keepin' on. I just wish I could find a little bit of myself, I wish something could be easy for once, and I could find that part of me that's missing. Today I'm sad, yesterday I was sad, and tomorrow I'll be sad too. I just want to leave everything behind and travel the world. I want a break from it all, I want to be healed & to stop hurting like this. I'm just so extremely lost and scared that I can't pull myself together. Today... I'm sad.

Days like these...

It feels like it has been forever since I've gotten some words out so here it goes...

We had our first performance on Saturday and it went fabulous, we had a few bobbles but nothing too big! I absolutely love my team, they are the shit. I've also mastered one of my tumbling passes that once gave me hell. Back hand-spring, back hand-spring, full... It has been a long journey but with some good coaching and positive team mates I managed to finally master it. 

This term has flown by! I can not believe I only have two more weeks to go... It is crunch time so I've been trying to get my study on. School has never been this hard for me. I would like to blame the transition but I'm leaning more towards my lack of concentration. I can not wait to start my new classes and to be done with the classes I am in now!

I got to skype with a BURNING MAN friend today and she really shed some light on my day. I needed a good talk and it's amazing how connected people become when faced with a close death. She shared her story with me of losing her brother to suicide & how her journey has been since. Needless to say, I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. We talked about some of our burning mans stories and it took me right back. I can't wait to make my next trip out to the Playa! You meet the most amazing people there with the most amazing stories.

I was able to have a good cry this morning & to be honest it was much needed. Some mornings just hit me harder than others. I know it's silly to be so caught up on one boy, especially at my age, but given what I've been through I don't think I'll ever NOT be hung up on this ONE boy. Matt was so good to me and so much a part of my family that it will be extremely hard for anyone to ever come close to filling his shoes.

I can count on one hand the number of fights we've been in. Our biggest fight happened to be at a party... imagine that. After an hour of fighting we ended up at Riley's house where I then decided I was going to walk home. Matt being just at stubborn as me decided he was also going to walk home... TO MY HOME. So two hours of walking & crying led us to the Peg's parking lot where we both stopped hugged each other for ten minutes and shared a LAUGH at how stubborn we both were. Matt knows me better than anyone. A few nights ago I had a dream that me and him were sitting at my kitchen table back in Reno having a very vivid conversation. It was only a few sentences but I can remember it all. The last thing he said to me was,"Stop being a brat." I guess somethings never do change. 

I was told today that I'm going to have rough days & when I do have rough days, to let them be rough. It's okay to not be okay. I just wish things were different...

I miss you more than ever & I still love you just the same. You are always in my heart & always on my mind. There isn't a single thing I do on my own. I know you are always with me. I would do anything just to see you one last time. 

Too blessed to be stessed...

So November has already gotten the best of me... this month seems never ending. Between practices, school, tutoring, and weights there is little time for me to breath and take it ALL in. The weather has also put a huge damper on my mood allowing me to feel even MORE sorry for myself. But I wake up every morning around six and I'm ready to start my day. I don't really sleep as much as I should but I've become adapt to this. I took my first "W" in a class, lots of girls on my team put a huge negative ring on this "W" but to me... "W" stands for win, so I'm taking it and moving forward! Krista Miller came to visit me this weekend and it was just what I needed! Don't get me wrong I love having the boys all come up to visit but I really needed one of my girls to talk to. We chilled most of the weekend and went to portland for some shopping! I can not wait to be home for xmas so I can see all my friends! We also got our competition shoes and they are bitchin! I honestly can't believe how lucky I am to be here! Besides all of this the ducks are still #1. 

I got to skype with the parentals last night and I loved seeing their faces! I talked to Krista about it when she was here and we decided just how cool my mom & pops are. I look at parents and their relationships their kids and then I look at mine and wonder..." How did I get so lucky?" I am a product of my mother. She is the most fun loving woman in the whole world. I have never met someone like her, she's always up for "the more the merrier." She's always supported me in everything I do and I would be SO lost without her. She will NEVER know how much I look up to her. Looking back at the days in gymnastics she was always there sitting and watching, she never once complained about having to take me to practice and she was at every meet. I give her a hard time because she's MY MOM, but if it were anyone else I would be the first one to back her up. Me and my dad are the best of friends, we have the same sense of humor and we are both weird in our own ways. My dad never says no to me, and I love that about him. He's the hardest working man I know and he always makes me smile. I am so blessed with the family I have been given. When I step back and look at the big picture I realize that one tough class is little to stress about when I have SO much to be thankful for.

...

3 months

Today marks 3 months since the passing of my beautiful boyfriend Matthew Trabert. It's been 3 months of emotions. Plenty of tears, heart ache, some smiles, laughs, but mostly this feeling of being lost. As if I'm not part of reality and some days I don't even know where I stand. Everything that once seemed so "big" now seems like hardly anything at all. Everything is so insignificant to me & it is hard for me to find motivation to do the things, "I have to do." I honestly just want to do the things, "I love to do." After all isn't that what life should be about? Doing what you love & loving what you do. I don't have my head on straight but I don't know if I ever have. I'm trying my best to be "normal." It's hard for me to not feel sorry for myself, I'm constantly asking myself; "Why me?" "Why did my boyfriend have to die?" "What am I suppose to do now?" And most days I answer back with..."Because Hannah you are tough enough to take anything that is thrown your way. It's hurts & that's life. Everyone has a battle, this is yours, and you will make it through." Call me crazy, like I don't know! I miss you Matt more and more each day and I love you always. You are my better half and I am not the same without you. You give me the strength I need to get through every day. I can't believe you are not here. So today I will be smiling for you... got bloc party on my pandora and quotes all over my computer. You are missed by all babes <3