Sad

Today, I'm sad. It has been a while since I've had anything new to write. December has totally kicked me in my ass ALREADY and the whole month of November got the best of me. Trying to get through each day, trying to NOT feel sorry for myself, and TRYING not to get lost. It was definitely a reality check & I started to realize that, "I'm no okay." Every day I tell myself how lucky I am, but these two months haven't felt right. I hurt, it's the most I've ever felt & the hurt just sticks with me day in & day out. I hope it has to do with the holiday season and these feelings will soon fade. I've had my fair share of breakdowns & it's hard for me to hold back the tears. I try to be strong for the people around me and I honestly don't think they have a clue how bad I hurt and how hard it is for me. I'm good at pretending & I'm great at faking a smile. But some days I wish someone would just tell me, "It will be okay." I know I'm strong enough & independent enough to take on the world no matter how bad I hurt, but I just wish I had someone on my team. I just need someone right now. Some days I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm really doing what I love. School has been hell & I feel like I'm letting everyone down all the time. My mind just isn't there every day and it's never been so hard for me to concentrate. Sitting in class my mind tends to wander to other things... mostly things about Matt, about the accident, about that moment... where I was standing on that beach alone listening to the words come out of the sheriffs mouth. That moment haunts me, I see it crystal clear every single day. I know life doesn't stop when something like this happens and I have to do my best to keep on keepin' on. I just wish I could find a little bit of myself, I wish something could be easy for once, and I could find that part of me that's missing. Today I'm sad, yesterday I was sad, and tomorrow I'll be sad too. I just want to leave everything behind and travel the world. I want a break from it all, I want to be healed & to stop hurting like this. I'm just so extremely lost and scared that I can't pull myself together. Today... I'm sad.