funk

Tonight nothing feels right... I'm just in one of my funks and it is so hard for me to pull myself out. I'm tried of crying to people and having to rely on them to pick me up when I'm this far down. I always get this feeling of shock after I read the last texts me and Matt shared. I listen to the voice mail he left me that night over & over, wondering why everything had to play out this way. I don't want to know the details of the accident but at the same time I'm always wondering what exactly went wrong, what happened. I know I'm better off not knowing & I do know a large portion of everything but at the same time there are so many missing pieces. Most days I feel like Matt's still here, but then out of no where it will hit me that he is actually gone. I try my best to stay positive and to wear a smile. I just hurt... every day, I hurt. When is it going to get easier? I'm I ever going to be put back together?

Dear Matthew Scott Eugene Trabert,

 There is not a single day that goes by where I don't miss you. I still remember the first time I met you & how we rubbed each other the wrong way. You thought I was a bitch & I though you were obnoxious. It was our junior year at Riley's Mom's house. After hanging out for that year I began to form a crush. December our senior year was the start to everything. I remember going to your house after cheer practice and even the first time we kissed. Just thinking about it still gives me butterflies. After J.A. we stopped talking and things got a little shaky but once summer came around we were better than ever. We talked all summer and that crush I once had, rekindled. We both knew things would be difficult because I was going away to school at the end of summer but that didn't stop us. Once I was in Sac we continued to talk. You would call me at 5 in the morning on your way to North Gate to "dig holes." One of your many jobs :] I loved hearing from you and I loved when you would drive over the pass, just to come visit. At the end of our freshmen year you asked me to be your girlfriend... I remember sitting at taco bell with Izzy and saying YES. I called my sister and she was just as excited as me. We both thought it be a summer love but once I returned to school we realized we couldn't let each other go. Our sophomore year was rough... but you always told me, "we gotta hang tough." I honestly don't know how we made things work. Maybe because we are so much alike. You did your thing & I did mine. I was so excited to finally be home this summer so I could spend all my time with you. And I think everyone can agree that WE did just that. You were more than a boyfriend to me, you ARE everything. We always have fun together no matter where we are or who we're with. We know how to bring out the best in each other. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being my best friend, for always knowing what to say & for always making me laugh. I am so lucky to have you. You have no idea how much of a positive influence you are on my life. We have had the most amazing memories... sky diving, tahoe, san diego, skiing, the movies, weeds, and the multiple parties we've been too. I think there was a total of ten days this summer where we didn't fall asleep to each other. It's so hard being here without you. I know everyone says you're always with me, but some days I definitely feel you more than others. I just want you back, I want to see you, I want to hug you & kiss you  & tell you how much I love you & how proud I am of you.